Bi-polar (Manic Depression)

Emotions and Long-Term Abuse Impact

You may have endured long-term emotional, mental, or physical abuse, which has brought you to a breaking point. This kind of abuse has led to significant feelings of resentment, as your personal boundaries were repeatedly violated. You feel a profound sense of anger and rage, which is your way of compensating for the lack of control you’ve experienced throughout your life. When faced with perceived threats, you often respond by expressing anger and rage, using them as defensive tools to ward off potential harm. You may engage in verbal attacks, hoping to keep people at bay.

Your approach to setting boundaries may resemble how a parent or caregiver treated you, potentially involving violence or verbal abuse. This pattern stems from your childhood, where you learned to adopt the same tools used against you. Despite knowing that these behaviors are unhealthy and stressful for both you and others, they have become familiar, and you revert to them in times of stress.

Emotional Suppression and Communication Difficulties

Throughout your childhood, you may have suppressed your emotions, leading to difficulties in communicating as an adult. Your emotions have built up over the years, becoming intense, even toxic, due to being bottled up for so long. When faced with situations where you need to express your desires or needs, you often find yourself at a loss for words. You may lack the patience or ability to articulate complex emotions, especially those that are explosive or deeply rooted. This difficulty likely stems from inconsistent and unstable displays of love during childhood.

Deep, intense fear has left you feeling scattered and unsure of what you want in life. Severe emotional, physical, or sexual abuse may have been part of your childhood, which has further confused your sense of appropriate behavior and how to express trauma. A lack of gentle guidance and nurturing during your upbringing has resulted in few coping mechanisms for navigating life’s challenges.

Foundation of Negativity and Emotional Disorientation

The foundation of your emotional world was likely built on negativity, with frequent emotional highs and lows. You may have been surrounded by instability, lack of support, or inconsistent values. As a result, you feel disoriented, as if you’ve been blindfolded and spun around, struggling to find your way. This disorientation is exacerbated by the emotional residue of past abuse, trauma, and disappointment. You’ve developed a pattern of being walked over, used, and abused, which has left you in a constant state of fight mode, ready to defend yourself at all costs.

It is essential to understand that you can choose to feel safe now and that with the right support, it is possible to change both your emotions and your circumstances. Healing is achievable, and it starts by recognizing the patterns of the past and making conscious decisions about your future.

Key Points for Reflection and Exploration

1. Ancestral Trauma

   • Explore your ancestral lineage for extreme abusive circumstances, such as wars, slavery, deprivation, famine, and abuse. Consider how these patterns may have repeated in your life. Unresolved ancestral trauma can influence present-day emotional responses.

2. Betrayal and Trust Issues

   • Trauma related to betrayal and the inability to trust others is a critical area to address. Reflect on the people and situations that contributed to your mistrust. If necessary, repeat this exploration to fully uncover the root of these issues.

3. Worthiness and Resentment

   • Explore any issues related to feelings of unworthiness. Who made you feel unworthy, and why? Examine any resentment you hold toward this person or situation. Consider the hidden benefit of holding on to that anger or resentment—does it serve as a defense mechanism, or is it keeping you stuck?

4. Finding Passion and Empowerment

   • Reflect on what brings you passion in life. The anger and bitterness you feel may stem from the belief that others are responsible for your current situation. While it’s easy to blame external factors, true empowerment comes from taking responsibility for your future. The past cannot control you anymore, but your future is within your control. Today can be the turning point for building a better life.

5. Taking Responsibility for Your Life

   • Taking responsibility for your life means deciding how you want to live moving forward, free from external control or manipulation. This decision is yours alone to make and can set the foundation for reclaiming your personal power.

6. Feeling Out of Control

   • Explore any trauma that has left you feeling out of control, both mentally and physically. Reflect on moments in your life where you felt powerless, and how these experiences have shaped your sense of self.

7. Blaming Yourself for Abuse

   • Trauma related to feeling responsible for the abuse you experienced is another crucial aspect to explore. Examine any feelings of guilt or shame related to this, and work on releasing the belief that you were responsible for what happened.

8. Physical Trauma and Gender Associations

   • If relevant, explore any physical trauma that was deliberately inflicted on you. Reflect on how this physical trauma made you feel and whether it has impacted your perception of the gender responsible for it.

9. Anger as a Defense Mechanism

   • Reflect on the anger and resentment you feel. While anger may seem like your only defense in life, it’s essential to explore the hidden benefits of holding onto it. Does it provide a sense of safety, or does it keep you from healing? Remember that anger does not have to define you, and you can feel safe and set boundaries without resorting to rage.

10. Feeling Trapped or Stuck

    • Explore any trauma related to feeling trapped, with no way out. Reflect on the womb stages of your life and how your mother felt during pregnancy. Was there a sense of being trapped even before birth? How did your birth experience affect you?

11. Forced Actions and Punishment

    • Consider any trauma related to being forced to do things against your will, as well as the trauma of being punished. Reflect on how these experiences have impacted your sense of autonomy and control.

12. Pressure from Influential People

    • Explore any trauma related to feeling pressured by influential people in your life. Were there situations where you felt controlled or manipulated by those in positions of power?

13. Copper Levels

    • Consider whether you might have an excess of copper in your system. If so, have you undergone proper tests to confirm this?

14. Cell Division and Sperm Death

    • Explore the early stages of fertilization, particularly the moment when cell division starts, which can sometimes be experienced as a profound change or even as a death. Reflect on the sperm’s journey into the egg and the moment its head splits open, marking a significant transition.

15. Placental Separation

    • Reflect on the stages of placental separation and any trauma you may have experienced that left you feeling disempowered, torn apart, or unsafe.

16. Newborn Separation

    • Consider whether you were taken away from your mother for long periods after birth. If so, explore how this separation made you feel and how it may have contributed to feelings of abandonment or insecurity.

17. Ancestral Anger and Abuse

    • Explore ancestral trauma, particularly explosive anger that may be tied to feelings of being taken advantage of. This could be related to sexual abuse, rape, or other forms of trauma that left your ancestors feeling out of control. Reflect on whether this pattern has been passed down through generations and how it manifests in your life.

By delving deeply into these areas of trauma, emotions, and ancestral patterns, you can begin the journey toward healing and reclaiming your sense of empowerment.